Altijd ja zeggen en sorry mompelen is geen vriendelijkheid, maar zelfverraad. Steeds meer psychologen waarschuwen dat chronisch pleasen je lichaam én hoofd sloopt.

Je collega vraagt of je dat extra dossier “er nog wel bij kunt doen”. Je zegt ja, terwijl je agenda al ontploft. Je partner wil naar een druk feestje. Jij bent moe, maar glimlacht: “Is goed hoor.” Herkenbaar? Dan is de kans groot dat je een pleaser bent.

Psycholoog Saskia de Bel noemt (in De Morgen) pleasen “problematisch aangeleerd gedrag”, geen onschuldig karaktertrekje. Pleasers lezen voortdurend de stemming van anderen, vullen in dat de ander boos of teleurgesteld is en zetten hun eigen behoefte systematisch uit. De Amerikaanse therapeut Meg Josephson koppelt dat aan een vierde stressreactie naast vechten, vluchten en bevriezen: de fawn-response, jezelf wegcijferen om veilig te blijven.

Dat lijkt sociaal gedrag, maar de rekening komt later. Pleasers lopen vaker vast met stress en psychosomatische klachten als hoofdpijn, maag- en darmproblemen en rugpijn. Vooral vrouwen zijn kwetsbaar: onderzoek waar Time Magazine over schreef, laat zien dat “self‑silencing” – slikken in plaats van spreken – samenhangt met meer depressie, auto-immuunziekten en zelfs hogere sterftecijfers.

Doorbreken begint klein. Een paar keer per dag stilstaan bij de vraag: wat wil ík nu? Grenzen hardop oefenen met een veilige vriend in plaats van met je lastigste familielid. En leren verdragen dat iemand even baalt als jij nee zegt. Wie stopt met pleasen wordt niet harder, maar echter – en juist daardoor worden relaties vaak hechter, niet zwakker.

ROTTERDAM (ANP) - Een gesloten cultuur en gebrek aan toezicht van buitenaf maakten het mogelijk dat kindermishandeling en -misbruik lange tijd konden voortduren in het Jeugddorp De Glind in Gelderland. Tot die conclusie komen onderzoekers van de Erasmus Universiteit Rotterdam. Ze constateren dat het ook nu nog aan openheid schort bij zorgorganisatie Pluryn.

Een "lerende, open houding" is volgens de onderzoekers cruciaal, maar die hebben ze tijdens het onderzoek "onvoldoende ervaren", schrijven ze. "Daarbij leken verschillende redenen een rol te spelen, waaronder bescherming van het belang en de reputatie van de organisatie, en privacywetgeving als argument om geen openheid te bieden."

In De Glind wonen jongeren met complexe problemen. In 2022 werd bekend dat er decennialang misstanden zijn geweest. De onderzoekers hebben daarover onder meer gesproken met oud-bewoners. "De resultaten laten zien dat verschillende vormen van mishandeling voorkwamen, waaronder emotioneel, fysiek en seksueel geweld."

Amy Berg’s arresting documentary delves into the early life and untimely death of the 90s singer-songwriter, with extensive contributions from his mother and girlfriends

Some moths are drawn to the flame and some butterflies to the wheel. The exquisitely beautiful, mercurial and prodigiously talented 90s singer-songwriter Jeff Buckley was drawn to the music business. And this contractually demanded endless touring and a multi-album commitment when he’d already poured his twentysomething-year-old life and soul into the first one, Grace, a hipster-critical smash whose commercial underperformance in the US caused execs to push him ever harder for a follow-up to recoup their investment. The business also created a world where he got to meet his heroes (such as Paul McCartney and Robert Plant), whose extravagant, good-natured praise for him sent this already highly strung young soul over the edge. He was as handsome as Jim Morrison in his sleek prime as well as – to my eye – Adam Ant with a touch of Neil Innes.

Amy Berg’s arresting documentary of a death foretold explains how young Jeff and his mother were abandoned when he was an infant by his father, Tim Buckley, a singer and counterculture figure who was to die of a heroin overdose in his late 20s. Jeff was to die at about the same age, in an accidental drowning in Wolf River Harbor, Memphis, Tennessee, in 1997, when he was just 30.

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Suddenly, venerable figures presumed immune to sordid compromise have been exposed – although some have shown that moral courage is possible

In 2016, the French luxury fashion house Hermès decided to pull an item it had donated to a charity auction after it appeared to have been bought by Jeffrey Epstein. In an email made public in this month’s tranche of Epstein files, Epstein’s assistant says someone at the auction platform had relayed to them that Hermès was “not comfortable” with Epstein as a donor and that he would be refunded. It’s a reminder that institutions – and the people at their helms – can, when they wish, still recognise a line they will not cross. No sermon, no press release: just a quiet act of moral housekeeping that now reads like a lesson in basic civic hygiene.

France is discovering how rare that reflex proved to be at home. The latest cache of Epstein files – emails, memos and legal documents released by the US Department of Justice – does not reveal a hidden French paedophile ring. So far, the only confirmed French sexual connection to Epstein remains Jean‑Luc Brunel, the modelling agent who died in police custody in 2022 while being investigated on suspicion of trafficking women to Epstein. Instead, the new files trace how Epstein ingratiated himself into parts of the country’s political and cultural elite, providing private jets, introductions and offshore structures to people long accustomed to thinking of themselves as beyond reproach.

Agnès Poirier is a political commentator, writer and critic for the British, American and European press

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A portrait of the company whose ‘toymaker philosophy’ stands in contrast to the tech giants that rule our lives

What is the highest-grossing entertainment franchise of all time? You might be tempted to think of Star Wars, or perhaps the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Maybe even Harry Potter? But no: it’s Pokémon – the others don’t come close. The Japanese “pocket monsters”, which star in video games, TV series and tradable playing cards, have made an estimated $115bn since 1996. Is this a sign of the lamentable infantilisation of postmodern society?

Not a bit of it, argues Keza MacDonald, the Guardian’s video games editor, in her winsomely enthusiastic biography of Nintendo, the company that had become an eponym for electronic entertainment long before anyone had heard the words “PlayStation” or “Xbox”. Yes, Pokémon is mostly a children’s pursuit, but a sophisticated one: “Like Harry Potter, the Famous Five and Narnia,” she observes, “it offers a powerful fantasy of self-determination, set in a world almost totally free of adult supervision.” And in its complicated scoring system, “it got millions of kids voluntarily doing a kind of algebra”.

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The Ukrainian skeleton racer Vladyslav Heraskevych has been kicked out of the Winter Olympics after he refused to back down from wearing a “helmet of memory” in honour of Ukraine’s war dead.

Lizzy Yarnold, who won skeleton gold for Team GB in 2014 and 2018, is on pundit duty for the BBC and was asked about the decision to expel Heraskevych from the Olympics.

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• Heraskevych ignored last-ditch plea from IOC

• Decision announced 20 minutes before competition

The Ukrainian skeleton racer Vladyslav Heraskevych has been kicked out of the Winter Olympics after he refused to back down from wearing a “helmet of memory” in honour of Ukraine’s war dead.

The decision was announced by the International Olympic Committee just 21 minutes before the first round of the men’s skeleton competition in Cortina on Thursday after last-ditch talks between the IOC president, Kirsty Coventry, and Heraskevych failed to find a breakthrough.

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“All warfare is based on deception,” wrote Sun Tzu in his famous military strategy treatise, The Art of War – and what is Formula 1 if not the ultimate sporting war, with warrior-like drivers backed by armies of people whose one goal is the crushing defeat of the opposition.

Uit onderzoek van de NOS en de Nederlandse Vereniging voor Raadsleden blijkt ook dat de werkdruk hoog is. Toch is 86 procent van de raadsleden „blij” met het werk dat zij afgelopen raadsperiode geleverd hebben.

Dertig jaar na het debuut van de Amerikaanse metalband Deftones lijkt er niets te zijn veranderd: bij een uitverkochte show in Afas Live staan nog steeds dezelfde soort tieners vooraan.