EPISODE 10 Sigh. The Boss has written an app and is quite pleased with himself. The higher-ups are even more pleased because it apparently saves us money. They're so pleased, in fact, they're mandating that it be installed on Company phones. The Boss writing an app in the first place is a red flag so large it could claim a world record, but it gets worse as he wants us to help sell it to the plebs. The PFY and I aren't having a bar of it as there's a fair chance that he's reinvented the wheel – after making it "better" by removing all those pesky curved bits. I've deliberately not asked to look at the source code, as I expect it'll be 40,000 lines of improvised (not interpreted) BASIC. "I used AI to make it," the Boss offers. Ah. Initially I'd thought the Boss must've watched a bunch of YouTube videos on programming, but I now realize that his laziness gene kicked in early and he's been "vibe-coding." The horror! I upgrade my mental picture from "blind leading the blind" to "incompetent leading the blind – through a minefield. In the dark. On pogo sticks." "It's got AI in it!" the Boss whines, after the PFY and I express our doubts. "So have the words failure, and painful, and brainless," the PFY points out. "Maybe, but this is the perfect synergy of..." "Salt and vinegar?" I suggest. "What?" "Perfect synergies – a prime example of which is salt and vinegar," I reply. "Or muesli on ice cream," the PFY adds. "I mean new synergies," the Boss chips back. "Ah, like salt and vinegar crisps and marmalade sandwiches?" I ask. "What?" "They're surprisingly good," I say. "I MEAN the new synergies of artificial intelligence, deep technical knowledge, and plain language," he blathers. "You realize that the synergy of deep technical knowledge and plain speaking is essentially what AI claims to be? After you add a layer of obscurity, some hallucinations, and a touch of mental illness, that is." "No, this is an app to help you in the workplace." "Help me in the workplace, how?" I ask. "Does it tell me which windows have faulty safety catches?" "No, this is an app for everyone." "Ah, so it's an app to warn people about windows with faulty safety catches?" "No! Say you're new to the Company but you don't know, I dunno, where the paper is for the photocopier," the Boss says. "I think the first problem you'd have would be finding a photocopier. All we have are multifunction printers." "Alright then, you need to find paper for the printer – but you don't know where it is." "The printer or the paper?" the PFY asks. "Why would you need paper for a printer if you didn't know where the printer was?" "I ask myself these questions daily," the PFY sighs. "Anyway, the paper's in the cupboard beside the printer." "Well, what if there wasn't any paper in the cupboard beside the printer?" "Then it would be in one of the cartons of paper, which are beside the cupboard, which is beside the printer." "What if there wasn't any?" the Boss snaps. "There's always paper there. Sometimes five or six cartons." "WHAT. IF. THERE. WASN'T?!" "You'd ask the office admin person." "WHAT IF YOU ARE THE OFFICE ADMIN PERSON? And you've just started, and the printer's out of paper." "Oh, right. So... you'd use the app?" I ask. "YES! YOU'D USE THE APP. It'd tell you where the storeroom is, and you could get some paper. It might identify the best type of paper to use for the photoco- PRINTER that you have, and, maybe, suggest that you pick up a spare toner cartridge if your printer was running low." "So the app is able to remotely check on printer toner levels?" I ask. "No, it would suggest you pick up a spare cartridge if the printer was low." "How would you know if the toner was low if you'd just started?" the PFY asks. "When you don't know where the printer is?" I add. "You'd ask the app how to tell if it was low. It could talk you through how to check your particular printer." "So... the app will know where your printer is?" the PFY asks. "THE APP WILL HELP YOU WITH YOUR PRINTER, WHEN YOU FIND OUT WHERE IT IS!" the Boss snaps. "Ah right, now I'm with you. So, to clarify: you've written an app which will suggest you check the toner of a printer – that you have to find – which is out of paper – that you have to find – because you're a new office admin person. It's a little... niche... for an app, don't you think?" "NO!" the Boss blurts, maybe a touch frustrated. "It's an app for everyone." "But most people already know where the printer and paper are." "That's just one example of what it might do. It might, I don't know, explain how to use the air conditioning system based on the current environment and include tips on how to use it most efficiently for power consumption. It could maybe teach you how to choose a complex password to meet our security policy. Maybe it could highlight better travel options to get to work." "OK, I get it. You've invented a mansplaining app." "No! This app is good for everyone!" "So you keep saying. But the theory behind any good app is that it gives you some competitive advantage – an advantage that would be lost if everyone had the app." "How do you mean?" "Like the app the PFY wrote." "What does it do?" "If I told you, he might lose his competitive advantage." "Well, I'll ask him then." ... It's amazing how quickly the PFY can vibe-code a faulty window safety catch app. There might be something in that AI stuff after all... BOFH: Previous episodes on The RegisterThe Compleat BOFH Archives 95-99
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