Brace yourself, because this is a story about a misunderstanding that’s as embarrassing as they come: The butterflies Mom thinks are a sign that Grandpa wants her to know he’s in a better place are actually signs that the late John McCain wants her to kill for him.
Close but no cigar, Mom. Right butterflies, wrong dead guy.
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Ever since Grandpa died in 2018, Mom has interpreted every butterfly she’s seen in her garden or out and about as a message from Grandpa, who she thinks is trying to tell her that he made it to heaven, was reunited with Grandma, and is now experiencing the peace of God’s love. Somehow, she’s totally clueless to the fact that the butterflies are in fact desperate missives from deceased US Senator John McCain, with meanings ranging from “Kill Donald Trump,” to “Kill Melania Trump,” to “Go to Hollywood and strangle Whoopi Goldberg. Make it look like an accident.” It’s unclear why John McCain targeted Mom in particular for these missions—maybe he just thinks she’s a competent lady, or that no one would suspect her as an assassin—but whatever the reason, he’s been trying to get through to her with no luck for upwards of seven years.
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Just last Mother’s Day, Mom saw four different butterflies at our family picnic, and she was 100% convinced it meant that Grandpa wanted her to know she’s a great mother to her four kids. If only she’d been more tuned in to the messages of the universe, she would have known that Mother’s Day 2025 was the day John McCain was hoping to eliminate both Michelle and Barack Obama, Malia Obama, and a guy from his neighborhood who once dented his car and didn’t leave a note. The butterflies were supposed to scream, “Today is the day to spill blood in my honor, Kelly. Today is the day of reckoning,” but for Mom, they were nothing more than a heartwarming message from her late father.
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Damn. Mom is seriously blind and deaf to the messages she’s getting from the beyond. John McCain needs lots of people killed, and it looks like Mom is never gonna do it. All because she’s fixated on stupid Grandpa. Keep sending butterflies, John, and maybe she’ll wise up!
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